Better Days

life was so much easier when we did not care at all. pas jaman pedekate, gue gak peduli, dia gak mau ikut ketemu keluarga, temen, atau cancel a date in last minute . I didn't care.  ya, emang gue gak peduli, toh siapa dia anyway . hidup sendiri-sendiri, masing-masing, gak bergantungan. but now, that we commit for the further relationship . I hate him. gue kesel kalo dia gak bisa ikut ketemu keluarga, temen. cancel our date in last minute is still fine for me . tapi kalo masalah gak bisa ikut ketemu orang-orang yang memang ada di lingkaran hidup gue, gue kesel. bukannya gue mempertanyakan keseriusan dia, tapi gue mempertanyakan prioritasnya. oke, mungkin dia memang gak bisa karena ada kegiatan lain. tapi gue cuma butuh tau kalo kegiatan lain itu memang prioritas yang lebih utama buat dia. bergantung dan percaya sama orang itu susah. gak enak. dan entah kenapa gue ngerasa sedikit teracuni. so, here is a note for me, for the future that will comes. DEPENDENSI gue nikah bukan ...

Here in Indonesia, people can easily say love, but not with cinta. We do say sayang easily. Mungkin bagi kami, love itu sayang. Gue pun berpendapat seperti itu. Tapi, cinta, cinta is more than love. Dulu pas kuliah, gue pernah bermalam dengan 2 sahabat, berbincang mengenai arti cinta. Yang satu, secara ringan berpendapat kalau cinta pertama yaitu pacar pertama. Langsung dibantah sama temen gue satu lagi. Dia bilang, gak semudah itu. Lo bisa pacaran berkali-kali baru ketemu cinta pertama, baru tau rasanya cinta. Minggu lalu gue juga bahas ini dengan bos dan rekan kerja. Sebagai background, bos gue udah usia 40-an akhir, lesbi, kenal dengan pasangannya dari SD dan udah lama berpasangan, mungkin 10 tahun ada. Rekan kerja gue, lebih tua 3 tahun dari gue, lagi bimbang dengan hubungannya yang sekarang. Gue dan rekan nanya ke bos, cinta itu yang seperti apa. Sesungguhnya gue juga lupa dia bilang apa. Tapi, dari pembicaraan tersebut, gue mulai memahami, apa itu cinta. Dimulai dari r...

Hi. Been a while. Been a really long time. tadinya mau nulis aja, tapi akan sedikit panjang dan emosional. jadi, ketik aja disini. Again, this blog is live again. Malam ini aku mau cerita, mengenai, what did I do in the previous life that I deserve this family, especially my parent? They are perfect. Too perfect. Sometimes I just feel like I don't deserve them. Mama yang selalu sabar dan akhir-akhir ini suka kena omel Papa karena aku pulang malam terus. Papa yang selalu cemas dan menjaga dari belakang...damn! OK gue bukan dari keluarga yang suka mengekspresikan perasaan masing-masing. But we take care of each other, well, very well. Mama. Sabar. Tentunya sering berantem sama Papa, gak sepaham, gak sejalan, tapi Mama selalu bisa mengalah dan bersabar. Menjadi istri yang soleha. Mama selalu masak setiap hari, buat kami makan pagi, siang, malam. Sejak kita pindah rumah, dalam 5 bulan sudah ganti pembantu 3 kali. Dan akhirnya Mama berhenti cari pembantu. Dia kerja sendiri. ...

Looking back, it's actually not magic that happened in us, but a lesson. And we gonna pass, and move on to the harder classes. And we should pass. We cannot stay in the same class with the same lesson. Even though we like it, it's just wrong. Or you want to be left behind. But you know it is pathetic. Upgrade yourself. Oh and like in college, new class, new mate. So, get used to having changes :) I know we can do it, because there's actually no magic. We can work it out. Inspiration and lesson. Those were what I wished for when I decided to join this level.

I dreamt we kissing, passionately, full of love. That kiss answered everything. That we should have been together since high school. The kiss told that we love each other. I wake up, missing you. Thinking, What was that supposed to mean? I miss you so I dream that. Or I dreamt and that makes me miss you? How about you there? Have you ever thinking about me? Have you ever wish to kiss me? I was stupid. I've ditch 4 good guys since high school. I regret those whole lot time. And that makes me wonder, Will another good guy come to me? Do I deserve another good guy? Because, I'm not gonna make another mistake. And I'm gonna love him big time. I was stupid. But I don't wanna be stupid any more.

Perasaan yang paling menyenangkan? Bersin. Perasaan yang paling tidak menyenangkan? Rindu. I mean.. Rindu is like keinginan atas sesuatu yang tidak terpuaskan. Sementara bersin, terpuaskan Kecuali hidung gatal gajadi bersin. Sama kaya rindu berarti sih. Tidak menyenangkan. Keinginan untuk melihat/menyentuh/mendengar yang terpuaskan, rindu yang terpenuhi, menjadi perasaan paling menyenangkan.

So, been a year, huh. A year and more. What happened with me in this last year? Well, not much. Just a man. I met him on November 2014. We were teammate. I never really interested in him. Until January 2015, I dreamt he holding my hand. Twice. I dreamt about it twice. In the dream, we felt it is not right also good to do such thing. But both dreams made my feelings mixed. I kept thinking, what is this? Why those dream? Later in February, he came to me, showed off his generosity. It kept going for a month before he asked me to be her girlfriend. At first I'm not sure because I thought we don't need it. We don't need this kind of relationship. And I wasn't looking someone like him. But his good heart wins. We spend most of our time together since. He is...tender, loving, caring. He never mad at me even I tried lots thing to make him mad at me. He never feels too manly to say sorry. He always blames himself for every silence and anger I throw him. He keeps saying tha...

While people hating Monday, here I am, 10 minutes left before Tuesday, hating Tuesday. My weekday starts at Tuesday, and Friday for weekend. Yep, long weekend. Still I never get enough of weekend. Tuesday is nightmare to me. Morning class and unlovable class at noon. Here I sit, mumbling. Gak mau tidur. Gak mau lanjut Selasa. Gak mau kuliah. Gak mau ngerjain tugas. Gak mau waktu berjalan cepat. Gak mau makin tua. "So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young." Can anybody give a point and explain, good thing about being old and mature? Why would you prefer to be an adult rather than young people, or let's just say, teenager?

I'm such an ass-hole. Ffffffff. When will I be better???? Why can't I stop make people upset? Why can't I control my self? Why can't I get better? GGGOOODD, HELP ME! Forgive me, God. Forgive me, people I've annoyed. God, put this darkness out of my soul. I can't stand keep making people mad so that I can regret what I've done. I wanna be better. I should be better. I will be better. COME ON! I can control my self to be better. I can!!!

Any chance for me? To do it all over again. To fix my self. To make it better. Is there a choice? Because I need it. I'm not feeling good enough for what I have. Will you give me one more chance? And believe in me? Believe that I wont screwed up. Will you give me another choice? Because I regret that I pushed you away. And I hate knowing the gravity not pulling you back to me. I need a chance to make you happy, to make you smile, to make you stay. I want a choice between stay far away from you or stay close with you. And of course I'll choose to stay close with you. Because I can't help this feeling any more. Feeling sorrow for this big space between us. Just, please. Give me the chance, and the choice. I promise I wont disappoint you, next time and forever.

I don't know what I feel. I don't know how to feel. His smile, his laugh, I can't stop it popping in my mind. God, I think I'm in love! Ugh, I hate feeling this. I'm an amateur lover! I used at driving people away. But I know, I wont give him a space. I wanna be forever at his side. To see all his smiles and laughs. To fall in love with him. To smell his scent. God, please help me. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this feeling. I'm suffering! I might be in love madly. God, please, please, please, hold him next to me. Please, God, I'm begging you.

I see everyone around me have their partner. Life partner, love partner. The fats, the nerds, the whores, the evils, the outsiders, the bullies, even the badasses, they seem happy with their partner. Even with dark side, they have one person to love who loves them back. Is that their luck? Or because they've done something right in their life? Or they know how to love and to be loved? Or just their fate to be lucky in love? And here's me. Alone. Unloved. Call me fat, nerd, outsider, and prick. I'm alone. I'm unloved. I have no partner to live with, to spend the days, to share the happinesses. I'm lost. I miss home. Even I don't really know how it feels to be home and be with my partner. But I want home. Like everyone said, home, where I can love and be loved. Where is my home? I'm lost. What's my problem? Too much dark sides? Did something bad? Went in the wrong path? Or just unlucky? Or this is my fate, to be with only my self? In my religion,...

You are lucky. I am happy. And broken. While all I could do was only sitting and gazing at him. But you were braver. You made him smile. You took him to beautiful places. You waken him. And me, still doing the same old things, sitting, and gazing. Gazing at him, with his gorgeous smile and sweet eyes. He is laughing with you, staring at you. Young lady, you really have to take a good care of him. Love him more, love him big. Never disappoint him, or make him sad. He is such a keeper. You are lucky having him as your partner who lays arm around you. I am lucky seeing his happy smiles everyday. Even it isn't for me.

Alone, lonely, feel empty and blue everyday. Have nobody to talk to, no friends to laugh hard and be crazy together. I've been there. The lowest point of my life. But I didn't admit the loneliness. I mean, I felt the loneliness, but I was too cocky to admit it. That was my fault anyway, for being a jerk to everyone. It was like I pushed away everyone around me. Until now, I never understand why some people still stay around me. I wonder, what would you get from me? I am nothing but a prick. I'm tense and can't be fun. I never make jokes, and I sometimes make that unpleasant emotion in my face. But however, they stay. They raise my point of life. They stay around me, and care about me. They don't forget me, while I'm trying to get rid of them. It's like I never did something bad to them. Thanks, God, for your kindness, that you keep me alive by give me a life surrounded with this lovely human.

"At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret?"

Dear memories and regrets, Will you stop popping in my mind every night I'm trying to sleep? I'm trying to rest my brain and shut my eyes. Just give me at least 6 hours to step aside from you. Sincerely, your creator.

ANOTHER WEEK ANOTHER MONDAY ANOTHER SHIT HAPPENS ANOTHER BASTARD MAKES MY DIFFICULT LIFE EVEN HARDER ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER PRESSURE ANOTHER ACNE ANOTHER PAIN COMES FROM THIS TWO PAINFUL ACNES ANOTHER SORROW ANOTHER CHANGE ANOTHER LOOK ANOTHER SPARE TIME NEEDED FOR HAPPINESS

Another hope falls. Another dream loses its spirit. Another smile vanished. Another passion went away.  Here, another love broken. It is another extra time to stop imagining, but making it real.  Sometimes it needs another cold shoulder to earns a respect. Sometimes it needs another silence to raises a voice. But showing cold shoulder and being silent pushes you away from making your imagination rea l. Seems like you cannot control your life, your fate, your destiny. You can make a plan for future, but it's not a guarantee you'll be there. Maybe sometime, you only need to sit, wait, and relax, to see what will comes, what will happens, until you become old, and you will glory your early life, or the opposite, you will regret it, because all you have done was only sit, wait, and relax. Old. Regret. Sorrow. Is that another thing that will be necessary?

The wind could hurt you, you know. It blows, touches your skin, brings a scent, brings some memory, remembers you to a thing. A thing that you ever had. A thing that you lost. Every time I come home, in the night, I go outside, to get some air. And when I do that, I realise how I loved wind. I knew wind would testify anything happened. Because wind  keeps feeling. Even I lost my feeling, wind holds it tight, wind takes a good care of it, wind never lets it go. Unless you stand tall, allow wind to flings feeling. The wind is your friend. It doesn't do what is good for you. It does what you want, what your real deep heart wants. Well I guess, you treat yourself well, no harms will hurt you.

Some reality are better than dreams. I remember one night when I had a heartbreaking dream. Then I woke up, feeling blue. I talked nothing the whole day. But when night came, I had the thing totally the opposite. And since that night, I know how it feels, when a smile, just one smile, could heals pain, could brightes my day.